Now that Blue Origin has completed its 31st flight I’m getting a feel for what kind of person they’re looking for in the capsule. This last “mission” I’ve labeled Ladies Who Launch, it featured “heroes” Katy Perry and Gayle King who’ve been feverishly trying to convince those of us in the real world that they in fact were just like real astronauts for 11 whole minutes. Gayle was kind enough to show us the grueling “training” she underwent-45 minutes of learning how to put on a seatbelt while lying on a recliner and gushing over her flight suit with her name on it. Gayle’s best friend Oprah was reduced to tears watching the launch. We all were O, we all were. So I’ve compiled a list of people I think should be considered for the next B O blast off in keeping with the standard that has been set.
1. Hawk Tuah
2. Barkhad Abdi-look at him, he will be in charge.
3. Ryan Seacrest
4. Flo from Progressive
5. Jake from State Farm
6. Limu Emu and Doug
7. The gecko from Geico
8. The Pope
9. All the women who were lead singers and dancers in the Jardiance
commercials either on one all female flight or sprinkled over several
flights.
10. Aaron Rodgers.
11. Britney Spears.
12. Homer Simpson.
13. Mr. Beast.
14. Carrot Top.
15. David Muir.
16. Luigi Mangione.
17. Johnny Gilbert.
18. The Menendez brothers.
19. Ronald McDonald.
20. Shaquille O’Neal.
And c’mon, naming the Blue Origin capsule the New Shepard after astronaut Alan Shepard is completely insulting. Mr. Shepard did what these poseurs did in 1961 with a lot less technology and greater risk. Plus there were three women onboard who may have had more legit credentials for the occasion but were totally ignored in the shadow of Perry-King and Sanchez, Jeff Bezos’s lover. So these glorified amusement park passengers may have come back to Earth physically but some of these people seem to rarely stay grounded.
Klaatu Barada Nikto,
Garry