Top Ten Announcements recently heard on a United Airlines flight.

Number 10: Abuse and this flight are both non-stop.

Number 9: We get the turbulence out of the way before we take off.

Number 8: Our vouchers include a free overnight stay at a hospital.

Number 7: An aisle seat means less bruising when cops drag you out.

Number 6: We’ve found some teeth, is anyone missing teeth?

Number 5: Miles traveled in an ambulance will be added to your frequent flyer miles.

Number 4: Your seat cushion can be used as a chest protector.

Number 3: Have a chant ready if you are removed from your seat; “Just kill me” and “I need to go home” are not available.

Number 2: We know you have a lot of airlines to choose from…well, not that many so you just have to put up with our bullsh.t.

And the Number 1 announcement recently heard on a United Airlines flight; we didn’t give you that puffy face- you must have a peanut allergy.