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Phrases that follow us our whole life:
He/she is so ugly they had to tie a pork chop around his/her neck so the dog would play with her
You would complain if they hung you with a new rope
You’re so stupid if you had a brain you would take it out and play with it
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on
Colder than a dead Eskimo’s ass
Half past kissing time
It takes a bigger foundation to build a church than it does an outhouse(in reference to having big feet)
It’s raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock
Do it your own wrong way
Don’t be so hard on yourself, the mom in E. T. had an alien living in her house for days and didn’t notice
Live everyday like it’s taco Tuesday
Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining
Oh dear, bread and beer
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors…but they all exist very nicely in the same box
“‘Remember when’ is the lowest form of conversation” Tony Soprano
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face
Screwed blued and tattooed
Sometimes you’re the windshield sometimes you’re the bug
Would you like a mimosa!?
What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?
There’s no such thing as a sure thing. That’s why they call it gambling
I only drink to make other people seem interesting
If it doesn’t bring you income, inspiration, or orgasms, it doesn’t belong in your life
“Ceertoinly!” (can’t go wrong quoting the Stooges)
Critics are like pigs at the pastry cart
Every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car
I’m so poor I can’t pay attention
You’re so weak you couldn’t whip cream
If I want any shit from you I’ll squeeze your head
You make a better door than a window (when someone is standing in front of the tv)
If you’re not the lead dog…the scenery never changes
I don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of
I’m as broke as the Ten Commandments
If you can prove it to me then I’ll make you a watch
It takes a smart man to know he’s stupid
Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers
My definition of a redundancy is an airbag in a politician’s car
What in the wide wide world of sports is going on here?
Free speech is a right not an obligation
With regard to ham and eggs: the chicken is involved; the pig is committed
He couldn’t throw hay to a cow (in reference to a bad quarterback)
It’s as dry as a popcorn fart
Every silver lining has a cloud
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn
When things go wrong don’t go with them
When going through fire keep going
When in a hole stop digging
Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights will make a left
If you look like your passport photo you’re too ill to travel
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
Harder than a brick bat
Loose lips sink ships
Pigs get fatter hogs get slaughtered
I got nothin’ against mankind, it’s people I can’t stand
Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing
Same shit different foot
Same shit different shovel
Same shit different fly
You could fuck up a one car funeral
Youth is wasted on the wrong people
Any port in the storm
Boy your eyes look like 2 pissholes in the snow (after a night of drinking)
Slicker than owl shit out there
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does alcohol, you pick
I’ll bet dollars to donuts
I’d stretch a mile if I didn’t have to walk back
Your ass sucks wind
You talk like a sausage
He’s as strong as an ox and almost twice as smart
If you want to catch trout don’t fish in a herring barrel
A verbal agreement isn’t worth the paper it’s written on
Include me out
A critic is someone who never actually goes to battle yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded
Revenge is a dish that tastes best when served cold
The lawyer with the briefcase can steal more money than the man with the gun
Behind every successful fortune is a crime
Up a hog’s ass looking for a ham sandwich (when asked where someone was)
They’re animals so let them lose their souls
I buy you out, you don’t buy me out
The fatter the cushion the easier the pushin’
Not a snowball’s chance in hell
Why cultivate that on your head when I let it grow wild on my ass?
I don’t even have two nickels to rub together
Closer to the bone the sweeter the meat
She’s a piece of work
Same pile, different flies
Gooder than snuff an’ better than taters
On a long enough timeline the survival rate for everyone drops to zero
Polishing the brass on the Titanic
Your ass sucks buttermilk
You talk like a man with a paper ass
What do you think my name is, John D. f’ing Rockefeller? (when kids ask parents for money, should be updated to Jeff Bezos)
You’ll shit too if you eat regular (response to someone who says something obvious)
When you play with fire after dark you’re gonna pee the bed
If you don’t think too good don’t think too much
Smiling like a dog at a pork factory
Go rub your ass with salt
Piss up a rope
Let’s try, for shits and giggles
It’s all kittens and rainbows over here
Get that shit eating grin off your face
Shit or get off the pot
If it wasn’t for bad luck you’d have no luck at all
Dead nuts
Hell bent for leather
Slower than shit rollin’ uphill
Why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free?
In God we trust all others pay cash
Crooked as Archer avenue
Bob’s your uncle, Fanny’s your aunt
Well scratch your mad place and get glad
A stiff prick has no conscience
I’ll be all over it like stink on shit
Hump your bucket
Slicker than snot on a brass doorknob
Yea no
I was at the balloon ascension (when asked where you’ve been)
You know where you can find sympathy in the dictionary? Right between shit and syphilis, now get back to work
It’s not rocket science
Turn it up to 11
Shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up first
You need 2 of those hats, one to shit in and the other to cover it up
It’s colder than a coal miner’s ass in North Dakota
You make me so mad you make my ass want to chew tobacco
No shit Sherlock
Queer as a football bat (as in odd not gay)
Tighter than Dick’s hatband
Colder than a dead Eskimo’s ass
You know you go to hell for lying just like you do for stealing
My ass would make him/her a good Sunday face
Ugly as a mud fence
Colder than a witch’s teat
Colder than a brass monkey’s balls
When hell freezes over
You’ll get knocked into next Tuesday
If it was easy everybody would be a pharmacist
You don’t know shit from shinola
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
Free over good
I’d rather be lucky than good
If it’s wet and it’s not yours don’t touch it
Bob’s your uncle
Put on a coat or you’ll catch pneumonia
You’re gonna go blind doing that
Your ass and a hole in the ground
Jesus H. Christ!
If ifs, ands, or buts were candy and nuts it would be Christmas everyday
Tighter than tupperware
Tighter than the bolts on the Brooklyn Bridge
It is what it is
Life is a shit sandwich…hold the mayo
Shit and 2 is eight
It’s all Greek to me
Good riddance to bad trash
Good luck bad luck who knows
Mad as a hatter
Your ass is grass and I’m the mower
It’s slicker than snot out there
More than a mouthful is a waste
If joe blow jumps in the lake will you too?
Built like a brick shithouse
Beat you like a drum
Karma has everybody’s address
Twenty dollar haircut on a 10 cent head
Red headed stepchild from New Jersey
Like shooting ducks in a barrel
The difference between you and a bucket of shit is the bucket
It’s where Jesus left his slippers
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker
What in the name of God
For the love of Mike
Is that a pool cue in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
A fish rots from the head down
Whiter than liquid paper
Beelzebub has a devil for a sideboard