It’s the dead of winter. Dead and winter really go together because as far as I can tell the only point of winter is to kill bugs. I’ve lived in a northern state for my entire life so I’ve studied many a winter and all I can figure is people started living up north before air conditioning was invented because living in the south then was unbearable for 6 months out of the year. Well as soon as air conditioning became a thing the south became more populated and the exodus to the south and southwest was on. I haven’t been able to crack the winter doldrums. When walking down the street my eyes water and my nose runs, my lips chap and my neck hurts. However, I always laugh when I see an old man wearing what looks like a jockstrap over his nose and mouth even though he’s probably in less discomfort than I am. Why can’t they make that piece in earth tones? I’m really enjoying all the salt stains on my car, shoes and pants. I don’t ski. Why would I want to race down a hill on fiberglass rails at 90mph between trees and boulders? If I want to get my heart racing I’ll just get some food lodged in my throat. Ice fishing? A urologist friend of mine said he once had to do surgery on a guy who was digging a hole to go ice fishing and the auger caught the guy’s pants and ended up ripping his scrotum off. Good times. Black ice, the scariest of all the ice colors. Wet snow, heart attack shoveling, sweet. In my youth I was delivering newspapers on my bike one brutally cold February morning and my junk froze, not kidding. Someone needs to invent a winter covering for genitals, maybe call the one for men a Prickly Heater and for women a Kitten Mitten. I was talking to my mother recently and she said she had just seen the movie A Star Is Born and liked it except she thought there was too much salty language coming out of Lady Gaga’s piehole. Why not spread the movie over highways with black ice if it’s so salty? Remember if you don’t have to go out, go, and wear a minimum of clothing and flip flops. If you are driving on slick roads, accelerate and if you go into a skid steer in the opposite direction of the skid and slam on the brakes. Now that’s winter fun, it’s the season that keeps on giving. I was walking my dog and slipped on some ice. I was able to break my fall with my elbows, my head was an inch away from being concussed. N(ice). I’m just going to blame everything on these eclipses. The earth just made the moon its be-otch and that follows the moon making the sun its be-otch. Planets and stars are fighting, politicians are fighting. As cousin Eddie would say…”shitter’s full!”

Peace Garrforce,
Garry