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My brother Tim took a break this past week from tracking UFO’s and called me with a TV programming idea.

He asked if I had seen the story about this guy in the Philippines who every year for the last 33 years has recreated the crucifixion of Christ. And by recreate we’re talkin’ 4 inch nails in the hands and feet and hoisted up on the cross…FOR 33 STRAIGHT YEARS! I said yes I was aware of this guy. Anywho, Tim said to me, “wouldn’t it be great if he was the next bachelor on ABC’s show of the same name?” Immediately I thought it was a great idea and envisioned the new format. The girls pull up in limos and there’s the new bachelor, let’s call him Dan, nailed to a cross hoisted at the edge of the driveway outside the soul kissing mansion, and instantly the bachelorettes start gushing about how he is their savior, their messiah, bada boop bada beep. Now here’s the deal at the end of each episode. No more roses handed out, each woman he selects will be given a crown of thorns so if you really want this guy it’s gonna hurt, as it should for embarrassing yourself on national television. Of course Chris Harrison would come out and say “Dan you have one more crown of thorns make your selection.” On the penultimate episode when Dan is down to the final 2 all three of them would be nailed to crosses before he makes his final selection.

With this revised format the show would now have a payoff which it currently does not. You watch a guy bury his tongue in 20+ women’s various orifices for two months and in the end he picks one but half the time they break up a month later. What kind of game show is that where there’s no solid conclusion?! I can’t wait for that episode where the women bring the tongue master general home to meet their parents. “honey why is your scalp bleeding?”

Gunga galunga,
Garry