I like to think about time travel. I think about time traveling back within the timetable of my life, dropping in on certain situations and maybe changing some things if possible. Traveling into the future, not so much. Recently on my show Leslie reported a story about a guy in Florida who was pulled over for having a sticker on the back of his truck that said “I Eat Ass.” The cop issued him some kind of citation for publicly displaying a “derogatory” statement. Shortly thereafter the driver was cleared of the “infraction” due to a little something called the 1st Amendment. Now here’s where I’d love to time travel, right back to the moment that Amendment was adopted back on December 15, 1791. You know that whole freedom of speech dealio. Our forefathers had no idea back then about pickup trucks or stickers. If they wanted make a proclamation such as “I Eat Ass” they would’ve had to dip a quill in a bottle of black liquid, write it on some parchment and then stick it in their window using candle wax as an adhesive. If I could go back to that moment when the ink was still wet on the 1st Amendment and say “hey guys guess what? In the next 200 years we will have motor vehicles and this document you just designed will protect people who want to display pretty much any kind of wording they choose on said vehicle. So if you don’t mind someone declaring in public that they eat ass then by all means let’s get this f’ing piece of papyrus out there and enjoy some freedoms.” No doubt their powdered wigs would’ve popped off. “What’s that you ask? What is this giant cylinder I just popped out of? It’s called a time machine and unless you like shitting in a hole in the backyard and living without electricity, then James Madison, I suggest you walk as fast as you can in your buckle shoes and hop onboard. “BTW you realize that you just granted protection to pornography don’t you?” “What’s pornography you ask?” “Google it.” And scene.

Gunga, galunga,
Garry