What a wonderful time of the year. What other time could you be shot to death over a parking space at a shopping mall, or get punched in the face when you grab the last Mr. Coffee on sale, or use the word ’tis? I especially like going to the mailbox jammed with Christmas catalogues, and thank you Restoration Hardware for making yours the fattest. I really liked the time RH sent something like 12 catalogues, all at once, shrink-wrapped together. I never unpacked them, I just used the stack as an end table.

But I really enjoy the assortment of items in catalogues like Hammacher Schlemmer where this year they list the Bearded Beanie- described as “the knit cap with a foldaway detachable beard that evokes the hirsute virility of mountain men” but it really just makes you look like a terrorist, $39.95. Or maybe you’d like to give the “World’s Largest Kit Cat Clock” at more than 6 feet tall “with its swiveling eyes and swishing curled tail, the iconic clock has added kitsch to American kitchens and diners since 1932” and is only $4,000, batteries not included. The oddest entry, however, in the HS catalogue has to be “The 23 Acre Wild West Town Amusement Park” in northwestern Illinois. The town includes “14 buildings with two residences, offices, a warehouse, museum, restaurant, convention hall, and a commercial kitchen” all for the low, low price of $7,000,000! Do you take Visa? Or would you rather just give the remote controlled giant tarantula for $29.95? Nothing screams Christmas like a large, hairy bug under the tree, just like the one baby Jesus played with.

Even more bizarro than that is the Whatever Works catalogue where you are flipping through pages that include The Bushy Eyebrow Trimmer and Woodpecker Toothpick Dispenser and you end up colliding with two full pages of marital aids. Imagine Christmas morning and under the tree is the Butterfly Personal Massager, described as a “sensuously designed massager offering 3 speeds of satisfying, butterfly-fluttering stimulation.” Come all ye faithful! Now there’s another word we only can use this time of year. ‘Tis the time to wish ye a Merry Christmas.

Peace,
Garry